Life is not rocket science, it really doesn’t take a genius. By a rough estimation based solely on my own lived experience, and precise feminine intuition, you can solve about 72 to 82 per cent of your current life problems by going offline: Just Walk Away From The Screen. Close Your Eyes. No social media, no waking up to the news, no scrolling to sleep; Life is truly amazing unplugged. This might be the best kept secret of our times. You really don’t need any of the digital noise— None!— to live a perfectly balanced, enjoyable, exciting life.
(more…)Category: Relationships
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♡ cuffing season ♡
“So,” she says with anticipation and a playful smile.
I’m so used to this question, exacerbated, I respond on autopilot: It is so hard to meet men!
“What?!” She says incredulously as she looks around, “But men are everywhere?!”
It’s a beautiful summer evening. We’re seated on a patio in the bustling St. Lawerence Market neighbourhood downtown Toronto, enjoying a glass of wine paired with good company.
I look around and she’s right.
Men are everywhere.
“And you have the dating apps now,” she continues, “Are you on that?” When she was my age, three decades earlier, there were no apps, no social media, nothing but IRL to meet men; all kinds of men. I’m flabbergasted for not realizing this simple fact of life all the times I sat around complaining about how hard it is to meet men, and men are everywhere. Online and offline.
I clasp my hands, throw my head back and I cackle with delight.
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The wo(man) in the mirror
Growing up was easy.
By 15, I bury the child, declare independence— to no one in particular, and I split.
I ran for thirteen years: In circles, up and down, back and forth; sideways.
There were the men, the drugs, the alcohol, of course. And when I got scared of the chaos, the vultures, there was the career, the marriage, and, and, and of course, my most cherished escape of all time, of all, the internet! The perfect low-consequential numbing agent.
And whenever I dared to slow down, put down the phone, catch my breath, there was that dreadful sensation of drowning— Buried alive— and so I’d keep on scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Until one day, after one too many tequila shots, I look in the mirror and the child, buried but still alive, looks me dead on and says, Let me out or I’m taking you down with me.
And I understand then.
Buried alive: Drowning, drowning, drowning.
By 28, I abandon the adult, declare custody of my inner child— To myself in particular, and I surrender.
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Let’s get physical!
And the thing about time spent offline is that you know what to do, you just don’t do it, or you don’t do it enough, or you do it for a bit but then you inevitably find yourself back in the rabbit hole of bottomless Instagram reels and clever Reddit posts while the book sits unread. And you wonder to yourself, What the fuck is wrong with me?
Nothing.
Some things are easier than others; social media is easy, real life is hard.
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A REAL PERSON, A LOT LIKE YOU
Every U.S. election cycle, even as a Canadian, I am utterly delighted to not be on social media. One reason I quit the news, amongst many other reasons, is that I hate being blatantly lied to. In fact, I respect clever lies; I work with teenagers and I am delighted by their ingenious lies to get out of doing things they don’t want to do without hurting my feelings, but the media? They don’t even try, they think I’m a total idiot— I will show them who’s the idiot. Some games you can only win by not playing, and I cannot lose. And really, to be honest, it was never the news I was consuming, just 140-character rage-bait headlines passing off as factual, informative “news” on Twitter. It is really a boring waste of life, politics, yes, but also pretending to be into politics so you have something to Tweet about; something to say while pretending to enjoy meandering chatter before another useless meeting. When I stopped watching the news, I had to come up with something else to talk about during our meandering chatter and I learned quickly to get to the fun, interesting stuff before I was expected to pledge allegiance, and wow, on the other end of 140-character tweets is a real person, a lot like you and me.
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Leaving social media is like leaving a toxic relationship you thought you couldn’t live without
As you are well aware of by now, plenty of people stay in miserable relationships but nobody wants to leave a happy marriage— And people who are content with social media don’t read time spent offline.
You are here because you are unhappy over there, and although there is a part of you that wants to leave, wants out, another part of you is scared you might need it, it might be as good as it’s going to get, or worse it could be worse out there.
I understand.
I, too, was once trapped over there, too afraid to leave, too miserable to stay.
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How to connect without internet connection
The problem is you, it’s always been you.
Social media just exploits that, your inability to love the Other. The avatars are not real, only a mere representation of what is real, and it’s easy to tolerate their presence, their absence— Easy to love, easy to hate: With a tap, a click, a comment. Reality requires so much more of you, and I know it hurts. It hurt me too, until I learned, falling, failing, flailing, how to tolerate. Exposure therapy is the term the professionals use and I am still in recovery.
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Getting offline is the easy part
“Wherever you go, there you are,” he used to warn me.
This was after he gave up the pleading, and we both settled for defiance; somewhere in between disdain and indifference. I was inconsolable; These walls, I would scream, come alive each morning and raise their voices at me to mock me, to ask how come I’m still here, and he would keep on talking as if I were muted; “You’re not listening to me, wherever you go…” And after the fact, after defiance turned into indifference and there are things you simply cannot sustain on non-feeling, I would look back and realize I never so much as whispered— The screams were all in my head. And after the fact, much later, it bothered me endlessly to find out we were both right: Sometimes you gotta leave, and every time, you must face yourself.
I had to leave social media.
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How to live without social media
“So, no Instagram, no Facebook, no Twitter, no Snapchat, no Tik Tok…” I know he believes me when I say I’m not on social media; it’s just that he wants to make sure I didn’t forget to mention the Instagram account I kept for art inspo or the Facebook one I keep to stay in touch with family back home. “Nope, nothing” I say, “I have email?” I offer. We move on to more interesting topics. By now my default has become no Instagram, no Facebook, no Twitter, no Snapchat, no Tik Tok… Not even WhatsApp—This one makes life the most inconvenient but as a woman of principles, I had to leave when Facebook acquired the platform sometime ago.
Life adjusts accordingly.
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Offline dating is a fool’s errand
“Whagwan, sweetie!” It’s a Friday night, I’m downtown walking to catch the streetcar while fumbling with the Hoopla app on my phone to find a song that has randomly started playing in my head: Welcome to Heartbreak. Hoopla is of no use; I can’t find the dirty version and the clean version usually makes me unreasonably angry. If I were on Spotify, I could have what I want when I want it but I have made my peace with my choices a long time ago and I settle for the next best thing I can find: Ready to Die. [Parental Advisory Explicit Content] I look up following the sound— Whagwan, sweetie. I’m caught off guard; these things rarely happen anymore, and the only person randomly calling out at you on the streets is disheveled, and properly and obviously unwell. Everybody knows to ignore these people; to look away, through them, and keep walking. I make eye contact and I giggle.
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time spent offline 