time spent offline

You think, foolishly, mistakenly, if you hate the internet, social media, your stupidly overpriced phone— Remember, you chose it— and yourself for spending yet another weekend scrolling through the deafening sounds of tik tok, tik tok, tik tok, a ticking time bomb, then you will finally be able to unplug, disconnect, and get offline. Lord knows you have read all the articles under the sun: The Internet holds an infinite amount of information. You listen to the experts and diligently follow their advice. You track your ScreenTime meticulously, try 30-Day No Internet Challenges, and even remove the addictive apps off of your stupidly smart smartphone some of the time. And you cannot wait until you are finally that person: No social media, no internet, no email, no smartphone. You are foolish, and perhaps delusional, of course. If it were that easy, if it only required the hate you give until you were freed from your addiction(s), then everyone would be offline/sober. Especially you of anyone else. But what has your hate accomplished so far? Where has all your effort in blocking, removing, abstinence, and self-loathing has gotten you? Maybe a few days of solace on that camping trip where the service was spotty anyway, but you were back at it by Monday morning, with coffee on one hand, the other tapping, scrolling, loathing— Yourself and Others— on your stupidly expensive and smart phone.

Pick your poison: It’s all hate.

You were raised that way anyway, raised to hate yourself, to hate Others. Lord knows what else you were raised to hate. Your poor parents; if they knew better, if they were better, they would have raised you better. Please forgive them, it’s a good start. In fact, call them today and ask them what they were like at your age, when they were 5-years-old. Ask, when did she first learned grandma loved your uncle a little better— the golden child, the chosen— and what that meant for your poor mom. Ask her. What were she going to teach you? What she learned. What the media taught her: How to hate herself so when she grows up, she will make an excellent consumer for Facebook Inc.^TM Or is it Meta? X? Does it matter? It’s science at this point. Or maybe it was the church, how to hate himself so when he grows up, he will never leave Jesus. What difference does it make? It’s all hate. All the drinking, bingeing, scrolling, snorting— Gosh, why do you hate yourself, the Other, so much? What is so bad about you that you must escape yourself every chance you get? And you think you can get away from all this hate in your blood with a 30-Day Without Social Media Challenge gimmicks? Silly girl.

But as luck would have it, you began to notice all the ways your phone oppresses you, keeps you captivated by its blinding lights. You don’t remember when all your friends got replaced by internet strangers and all your recent thoughts and the stories you tell are from the forums; Oh, no— No, no, no! And so you desperately begin looking for ways to get away before it’s too late: You know what happens to people who couldn’t get away before it was too late, ugly things. In your desperation to avoid their fate, you turn back to the internet, Google how to spend less time online, curb phone addiction, and look to people who have quit social media. You obsessively attempt all their tips, tools, tricks cluttering the internet. You think you can fool yourself— Fool life, that your gimmicks and tricks will work, that they will override all the hate, all that hate deep in your blood that makes you want to escape in the first place. You are wrong; perhaps delusional of course.

Anyone can turn off the internet for a month.

But when the excitement of the 30-Day No Internet Challenge wears off and you look around and nobody is around, because all you know is hate so deep in your bones you push everyone away in your feeble attempt to escape the one thing that will set you free— LOVE — and it is 7:09pm, and you don’t have anyone to call, no plans to look forwards to with people you can feel, touch, taste their joy on the tip of your soul, you are back on your couch swiping left and right on the pixelated avatars for hours: Avatars just as devoid of love, and as pathetic as you. Of course, of course, of course! You would get off the apps if everyone else would but since everyone else is there, you, too, need to be on the dating apps to meet people these days, amiright? YOU DESERVE YOUR LIFE! But it’s not your fault. The media raised you, or maybe once the TV was done raising your parents it didn’t need to do much but sit back and enjoy the fruits of its labour. You have been warned, by yourself. That’s why you are here searching for answers.

And so here you are. With all your hate and self-loathing, foolishly, mistakenly, looking for another tip, trick, gimmick just so you can avoid the only thing that will actually set you free: Love. Because time spent offline is a love journey. Sure, you can start with the self-loathing: You learn a lot from hating yourself. Sure, it is a good start to put up a good fight trying to ignore your phone, download that app to block the other apps, the Chrome extensions too, and the kitchen timer box— Oh, all the undignified length you are willing to go just to avoid yourself, to avoid the simple fact that you cannot stand yourself— are all good starts. But at some point, if you really are about the business of saving yourself, the business of not using Silicon Valley apps (or pick your poison) in your foolish attempt to ignore the hate deep in your soul gawking at you, let me save you some time and tell you a secret: Show up to your life. No gimmicks, no apps, no gadgets, not another goddamn article— No, not even this one. All you need is the courage to face yourself, the show up to what remains without the noise. Therapy helps, so does journaling— A private and curious conversation with yourself. What is so bad about me that I must escape myself at all times?

Because time spent offline is a love journey.

Oh, sweet love!

You unplug, put the devices away, and settle into the gentle sounds of the early morning silence because you want to spend time curiously paying attention to the inner chatters of your wild, crazy mind. You spend time offline because you love your attention, and what your attention can do for you when you pay attention to paying attention. You love time spent offline because you want to feel all of your emotions: Your random bursts of joy, of course, and your anger, the pure rage you feel when you remember it all: You respect yourself enough to prefer facing your pain to suppressing your emotions with a 15-second clip of a dog humping its shadow. Maybe, just maybe, if you stay with the pain long enough, it might say, you might hear it say, thank you for paying attention to me, nobody ever did, and you think, that’s it????? All this time, all this running in circles, and I could have just paid attention?!?? You spend time offline because you love your passion. It may kill you one day, this foolish, delusional search of yours for some meaning and purpose for your one wild, precious life, but it is dignified. You love your arts and crafts too, and he doesn’t understand why you spend all that money on that stupid hobby of yours but at least you don’t spend money on that stupidly expensive phone of theirs, so it kind of evens out.

And of course you love looking up at the clear sky, the clouds, the trees, the birds and the sunshine beaming at you as if to congratulate you. You love how it never gets old— How gentle and warm the sun feels on your exposed skin, lying under a beautiful oak tree. You love noticing. You love slow mornings spent tucked inside a book, and airing your dirty laundry on those cheap $2 notebooks: The whole world gently quiet and slow, as if just for you. You love spending time offline because, and this is the only kind of love that really matters, you love love. How all those moments spent showing up to your life taught you how to pay attention, notice, listen carefully, and know a thing or two that adds up to all that you need to know, all that one needs to know. Once you know this kind of love, this surrender to your reality, you wonder what in the world you were doing spending all that time and attention online; all that time and energy fighting to get offline, when all you needed to do, all you need to do, is give up your hate for social media and replace it with so much love for the offline world, so much love for your living that such love will finally set you free.