time spent offline

“So,” she says with anticipation and a playful smile.

I’m so used to this question, exacerbated, I respond on autopilot: It is so hard to meet men!

“What?!” She says incredulously as she looks around, “But men are everywhere?!”

It’s a beautiful summer evening. We’re seated on a patio in the bustling St. Lawerence Market neighbourhood downtown Toronto, enjoying a glass of wine paired with good company.

I look around and she’s right.

Men are everywhere.

“And you have the dating apps now,” she continues, “Are you on that?” When she was my age, three decades earlier, there were no apps, no social media, nothing but IRL to meet men; all kinds of men. I’m flabbergasted for not realizing this simple fact of life all the times I sat around complaining about how hard it is to meet men, and men are everywhere. Online and offline.

I clasp my hands, throw my head back and I cackle with delight.

Hinge is what you make it

Dating apps are the digital version of bars you go on to meet people.

This took me a long time to understand, and finally accept. I once complained to a friend about how icky it felt to swipe through the avatars, making snap judgments of desirability/undesirability on hundreds of profiles on such superficial things as looks, height, job title, and knowing it’s being done to me from the other end too. “But we do it all the time in person,” she assured me. It’s just that it’s more pronounced on the apps because we do it in volume, and with more intention than walking down the street or at the bar outside 2 in the morning. This helped put things in perspective for me. It is what it is.

Time to grow up, I chuckle to myself.

And with that in mind, I find another clarity around dating apps: I don’t go on Hinge to date, I go on Hinge to meet men, all kinds of men.

Dating happens offline.

Dating is fun

I love men.

This is another simple fact of my life that took me a long time to accept; having grown up in the Twitter era of men ain’t shit and girl you can do better— I’m simplifying for the sake of time, forgive me I’m writing this super last minute, but yes, there is nothing I find more fun, exciting, and enticing than men and dating men.

I love the natural flow of connecting with someone, the banters, the excitement building up with each text, call; anxiously getting ready for the first date, hoping, wishing, praying…. anticipating a nice evening of drinks, movies, ice cream— It doesn’t matter the connection just isn’t there in person, you learn so much about yourself, about the Other in each moment of living; doing.

I love the stories for later on too.

“You remember that guy I told you about? He ghosted me!!!!” Oh, no. “I have another date later,” I add and this seems to comfort her.

Men are everywhere.

This mindset shift has made dating fun. Instead of complaining from the sidelines, another night spent alone with the devices, the books, another weekend complaining about dating in this city, this day and age— Boring!— I have surrendered to my natural impulse, desire, need for Love. By any means necessary; by all means necessary.

Love is our greatest pursuit

“So, when was your last relationship?” he asks between bites.

“Last summer, a year ago,” I tell him.

“A year?!” he says, “What’s wrong with you?”

This makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. And I have my excuses neatly lined up, of course: Dating is hard in Toronto, I haven’t really been trying, it’s hard to meet men, blah, blah, blah.

The truth is much simpler, of course.

I have been afraid to love: To love, and not be loved in return; To love and be loved, and risk heartbreak in the end.

So what?

Men are everywhere.

Online and offline.

Love is everywhere too; all kinds of strangers waiting to be loved.

I love love.

The career is nice, and I have my creative pursuit writing to you, and I adore doing hoodrat shit with my friends, and spending unreasonable amount of money on espresso martinis as self-care, and of course the avatars are okay to scroll through to pass the midnight blues, but it all pales in comparison to going home to someone you love, waking up next to love.

Love.

Our greatest pursuit.

And if you’ve found someone to love, why aren’t you dancing for joy?