Nothing fun happens on the internet, so I learn little by little, I get used to getting used to. I get used to spending weekday evenings out and about because the alternative isn’t a social media feed with endless junk to scroll through until I pass out from exhaustion. The alternative is plenty of time, space, and void— Ample, endless, unrelenting— demanding to be filled with anything, anything but the deafening silence of solitude. So I learn little by little to search for stuff to do IRL, to make the effort reality requires; after work, before a workout class, after an evening out and the night is still young. A fitness instructor once said to me, You either learn to love the pain or love the result. I wonder, can you learn to love both?
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Information killed the cat
It surprises me how much I know.
Maybe it’s years of scrounging the Internet for answers. Maybe it was that Media Literacy course I paid way too much money for: In fact, I’m still making payments on, and perplexed by infatuation I barely pay attention. But it’s enough to save me later on. Most likely it’s my parents. I hate to admit it, but culture, tradition, way-of-being that dates back thousands of years, and it hurts to even fathom it; I ran away. It never lets me get away. It knows me better than I know myself, I know it better than I know myself. The Internet it too young to understand these things.
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Beyonce vs. ChatGPT
There are things one can understand without knowing, but I will try to explain myself anyway.
Here is a practical tip to start us off with— because I feel I have become too sensitive, overly emotional; my curse and blessing, of being a Cancer, a woman, this and that… they said it first, I picked it up afterwards— I use the SelfControl app to block the mindless, time-wasting websites on my laptop from Monday thru Saturday. Sundays I unblock everything for a short period of time; time dedicated for wasting time. It is just as crucial. My phone is dumb and useless at distracting me. You are welcome?
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Planning for a day spent offline: Get curious
Not that long ago, I used to leave the house and go about my day in the wilderness of the city without a phone, without the Internet; without the ability to reach someone in case of an emergency.
It was a time before portable internet and smartphones.
It’s a funny thing the things you can get used to, and forget there ever being a time without: Without smartphones, without the Internet, without this, and without that. It’s not like I haven’t tried to be without since— here and there— but it came out of frustration, anger and spite, of an economy that bid my attention for sale to the highest bidder. I was simply young, idealistic, and pissed: this, too, passes with time. Lately, through the passage of time and growing, and realizing it’s mostly inconvenience rather than actual emergency that makes connectivity on the go such a necessity, I find myself curious about a day spent offline. In fact, I have learned to love my smartphone and the Internet these days but something about going out into the world without, when being without seems impossible, out of the question, even transgressive, that piques my interest and my curiosity to unplug.
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How to get through the rough edges of life
Last week, I asked Tell me how do you get through a rough day, week, month, year, or even a lifetime? For a tip, a trick, an activity, a song, a ritual, et cetera. I was delighted to ask and receive. From you to me, to you. Thank you. (Edited for precision)
Books. When things are good, read devastating books about how cruel the world can be; it can be comforting to know others have survived worse lives. When things are bad, turn to what a sister librarian referred to as “potato chip books”— books so easy to read that you devour them without a second thought.
Appreciate the little things and go outside more. Look at nature; not just walking for the sake of it, but really looking around at nature and how it exists.
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On routine and noticing
Yesterday, the sun was still out at 5:06pm.
My weather app showed me earlier that the sun will be setting by 5:34pm, so I knew, but noticing the sun and feeling its last bits of warmth on my skin as I locked the door and walked into the street filled me with hope. I was leaving for the gym, just like I have been doing most Mondays all winter long. By December, as the days got shorter and the overhead lights replaced the sun naturally illuminating the workout studio, I knew what was coming. One ordinary day, as I was rushing out my door for class, I realized it was already dark.
It filled me with dread and hopelessness; I had no choice but to surrender to another winter- it’s seemingly endless cold, gloomy, dark days. To self-soothe, I complained to anyone who would listen that I couldn’t believe we do this every year, and their knowing nods, understanding words made me feel better: I wasn’t alone. And it would have been easy to use the darkness as an excuse to cancel my membership and hibernate all winter: Who wouldn’t understand? But it didn’t even occur to me that was an option. By then, I was too deep into my Monday routine and the sweat-drenched class has become my saving grace from my Monday blues. Every Monday, I would patiently bid my time all day, feeling anxious and restless, until I got to sweat out whatever ill the weekend prior brought on; the bad decisions, another weekend wasted on everything else but, the loneliness that reared its ugly head every Sunday night.
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Chasing the dragon
Why stop at the wolves?
And I’m just thinking out loud, last minute musings, late night rants, cursing the internet— no, not this internet— for changing so fast, so quick, so suddenly; abandoning me, leaving without warning, and for leaving me no choice but to leave too, and because I only write what I feel like writing about, and sometimes I don’t feel like it until the night before. If it gets hard to follow, maybe it doesn’t make sense, too many grammatical errors, and maybe I may be completely wrong, but in any case thank you for indulging me, and apologies in advance. I need to say it.
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Feeding the second wolf
In every person there are two wolves who are always at war with each other. One is evil, the second one is good. Which wolf wins? “The one you feed.”
Each day, I wake up and face two wolves— Just like you. One whispers I should cancel the plan I have made that evening; it’s a first date and I have kindly turned down the usual “coffee or drinks?” offer, suggesting instead we check out an old theater I have been meaning to go to for months now. It’s the oldest standing movie theater in the city still in use for showing movies. I like the idea of going to watch old films in an even older building, but it has been difficult to find the time, interested parties, or the courage to go alone. Until I finally make plans to go see Rocky on a Wednesday at 7:00pm with a person I will meet for the first time.
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New year, better problems
(Since I don’t listen, let me reframe.)
It’s a dangerous trap, the comfort of misery.
You can spend a lifetime on the same problem; getting used to it, becoming addicted even— the complaining, the exasperated sighs, the misery. “People let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That’s one of my favorite things to say. So what.” But the devil you know, and it is true. Because it shouldn’t be that difficult right— if I say I don’t want to spend too much time online, it’s a waste of my time, it’s lonely, isolating, boring— to get offline? But it’s easier to complain about the problems of Tinder from the comfort of my couch than to get dressed, go out, and awkwardly flirt with someone who didn’t show initial interest by swiping left/right. It’s a lot of work, this reality of ours. You are safe online. Your ego is safe, and plenty of fish to fill up on.
A lot can go wrong in real life. After all the effort it took to show up, you might not find a single person to try your luck with; you don’t run out of people on dating apps, but a venue can only hold so many people. Reality is unpredictable, indifferent to your efforts. Which brings me back to an important consideration, so what? Choose better problems in 2023. Ask yourself, what problems do I want to have this year? You will be surprised by how much better you will feel this way. You can choose the problem of app-induced loneliness, or socializing: The grass is greener where you water it. You can choose to escape yourself scrolling endlessly or face yourself in the deafening silence of stillness, to learn a thing or two, to try your luck at redemption. You are not getting out alive either way.
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Hard decisions, easy life
Things fall apart.
“I am so happy I’m not on social media!” I practically yell it out.
We are at our usual spot drinking and chatting. I’m venting; I cannot believe my luck. In August I left a life behind, a life I thought would last a lifetime. I don’t remember September. I got so scared by October I printed out a calendar and made a single promise to myself: All I needed to do for the next three months, for the remainder of the year was get through each and every day by any means necessary, by all means necessary. I expected nothing else of myself and nothing beyond— I put a big fat X when I woke up each morning. It surprised me, and at times delighted me, my sheer will to keep on living. You won’t die from sadness, that’s an important lesson, but unplugged, undistracted, and offline, I had no choice but to face my life head on with a trembling heart and my shaky soul until I’d find heaven.
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time spent offline 